The Red Hand

Chapter 367.5 – Existential Dread.

*SCRIBBLE* *SCRATCH* *TAP*

"Hmmm... Based on these data points it looks like things trended in the direction expected, though it's good to see that my fears about my mental state changing rapidly appear to have been unfounded." Akagi said as she twirled a pen in her hand. She'd been sitting in the garden under the moonlight for a few hours, busy writing in the same small notebook that she'd been drafting entries in since arriving in Enoris.

"The mental shift between a more 'Human' mind and that of my Demon Lord self appears to be happening as anticipated and actually slower than predicted." Akagi said as she read over a few past entries, each detailing her actions, thoughts and other pertinent information. "Spending time away from my 'grounding agents' of Kana and the girls seems to lead me to slowly drift away from the mental state that I use when around them, and I suppose we can now confirm that Yumi and the Clan push me toward my Demon Lord nature, not away." She hummed in thought as she continued reading through the notebook.

{The shift is subtle, taking extended periods of time to make any noticeable effect. From my conscious perspective, little has changed. But with Hishya's earlier comments and these objective notes that I've made, I can see a pattern... The longer I spend away from Earth and the girls, the more alien my mindset becomes. However, it is notable that spending time within my shadow doesn't seem to have the same effect, though that may just because I generally go in there with a defined goal. I'll need to investigate that more in the future.} (Akagi)

"Though I suppose this whole thing only makes sense if I give it even two seconds of thought." Akagi said as she closed the book and placed it in her inventory. "My more apathetic and destructive side is my 'proper self' but I end up adapting somewhat to meet the expectations and needs of those around me.” She hummed as she questioned whether she'd take certain actions on Enoris if Kana or the others could see it for themselves. “Though it will remain to be seen how much of my personality is affected by those I spend time with and what part is just who I am no matter who I watching." She sighed. Akagi had been keeping track of all her decisions on Enoris to determine if spending time away from those outside of the Clan had any impact on her mental state, and it did. Without the grounding influence of Kana and the girls, she noticed a slight tilt toward her Demon Lord nature, extrapolating that given enough time she'd likely change significantly.

{Timeline wise I think we're still talking a length of time on a cosmic scale. Actually making my mental state drift completely away from the ingrained human nature that still makes up a portion of it would likely take millions or billions of years. However, that does mean it's impossible and due to my nature, it will happen, or at least it will if I allow it to.} (Akagi)

"But I suppose that's not something to think about too hard at the moment." Akagi said as she pulled out her Kiseru and lit it, staring up into the darkened sky above. The estate had minimal light pollution and was far enough into the mountains that she could actually see the beautiful starry sky above for what it really was. "Too bad that I'm fucking terrified of space." She laughed as she let out a puff. "Going up there to take a look around and see all that cool stuff out there would be nice."

{Fuck that though. Space is scary and I'm not comfortable with going out there. Who the hell knows how my abilities will interact with celestial bodies? Like, can I even survive a Black Hole?!? I have no fucking clue and I'm not itching to figure it out! Though... If I really want to make some kind of interstellar empire and do some fun 4x stuff up there... We'll have to look into concurring my fears at some point...} (Akagi)

"Are you out here talking to yourself again?" Kana's voice pulled Akagi out of her inner thoughts as her sister came up behind her. "At least have the courtesy of making another body so it's less strange to watch." She chuckled as she took a seat on the bench next to her. “Preferably one as a kitty so you can pet it.”

"But then you get into the problem of me answering myself and all the problems that come with that." Akagi retorted, citing several psychological studies that she knew Kana was aware of that supported her point. "I know that you know that soliloquy is a perfectly normal and healthy thing."

{And also, I do far more than PET a copy body, Kana.} (Akagi)

"I know, I know." Kana said as she rolled her eyes. "Though yours always seem to be about strange topics."

"In my defense, I have a lot to think about." Akagi said as she poked Kana in the temple. "Having this much mental power is both a blessing and a curse and actually getting some internal silence is difficult. So I have little choice but to vent it out from time to time."

{Its not really possible to turn it all off, so we just have to live with it.} (Akagi)

"I'm sure all those thoughts about playing with Miji or the perfect petting position must be awful." Kana snickered. “Poor kitty has to think about snuggling all day long.}

"Tis a burden, but one well worth the pain." Akagi laughed back.

"What were you out here thinking about anyway?" Kana asked. It was late at night and the estate was mostly asleep save for a few night owls, with Kana being awake only because Mika was frantically messaging her about homework that the blue-haired girl had yet to do.

"Hmmm..." Akagi shifted her jaw in thought before letting out another puff. "A lot, mostly about my nature and some of the complications that come with it."

"Complications?" Kana asked, tilting her head.

"Rather than just using my words, I think a visual aid will make this easier." Akagi snapped her fingers, extending her shadow into the area above the estate before making it transparent. "There, that should things easier."

"Did you do something?" Kana asked as she looked around. She could sense her sister's energy, but had no idea what she was doing. "Everything seems the same."

"I didn't really do much to change anything physically, I'm simply going to use my shadow as a visual aid of sorts." Akagi said before pointing into the sky. "Now, take a look up there and tell me what you see."

"I see a bunch of stars, as well as the Miky Way's Galactic Plane since there's no moon out tonight." Kana noted that it was an extremely rare sight due to light pollution.

"Good good, but anything else? Nothing else sticks out?" Akagi asked, clearly understanding that Kana wasn't going to figure it out.

"Onee-chan, I could sit here and name all the constellations and stars that I see but I doubt that's what you're expecting of me." Kana sighed. "My eyesight might be far better due to my power but that doesn't mean I can read your mind."

{Nor would I probably want too since it would probably be the equivalently of having a million browser tabs open, each with different music playing.} (Kana)

"Fair, fair." Akagi said before snapping her fingers again. "Alright, so how about now?"

"I..." Kana paused as she saw something in the sky that took her by surprise. "You... You made it completely visible?!?" She squeaked as a structure several times larger than the moon became visible in the night sky, a structure that she'd never expected to see in such detail.

{HOW?!?} (Kana)

"Hence why I used my shadow." Akagi laughed at Kana's dumbfoundedness. "Seeing Andromeda in its full glory is pretty fucking neat, huh? I had the same reaction the first time I tried this." She snicked. The Demon had used her shadow to enhance the light from the distant Galaxy, making it possible to see the entire thing in the night sky whereas ordinarily, you'd only be able to make out a large smear of light.

{Lets not go doing that to every start above, since it would just make the sky about as bright as daytime.} (Akagi)

"There are Astronomers that would kill for such a view, Onee-chan." Kana sighed, figuring that people would be banging at the literal gates of hell to get access to such a sight. "I'd advise not advertising that you could do things like that, lest they start breaking down your door to ask questions about the mysteries of the universe."

{It's huge! I always knew it would look much bigger if we could properly see it but still! It makes the Moon look so small even though its so incomprehensibly far away!} (Kana)

"I don't think they'd like most of the answers I could give them anyway." Akagi shrugged, noting that she'd stack bodies if they annoyed her too much. "Though I'll refrain from giving them since that kind of takes away the fun."

"Like how you wouldn't answer my question about aliens..." Kana had asked her sister if life existed outside of Earth, not counting Enoris, and Akagi refused to answer.

"I mean you've got a literal parallel world, Kana. I think aliens are already less cool than that." Akagi rolled her eyes as she took another hit.

"At this point, it's not as surprising though! We've got a you out there and learned about other crazy things! Knowing about a parallel world is kind of mundane at that point!" Kana retorted. "But why show me that? It's cool and all but what does it have to do with what's on your mind?"

"Well, I'm sure you're aware that Andromeda is heading toward us, right?" Akagi asked.

"At a rate of 300 km/s, it will impact the Milky Way Galaxy in around 4.5 billion years." Kana recited such information as if it was common knowledge. "Though just like with the Sun's eventual death it's on a scale of time so long that it really doesn't matter."

"Ah yes, and that's where you're wrong." Akagi said as she put a finger up, wagging it. "On a Human timescale, you are correct. A thousand years, let alone a billion years might as well be never for you, but to me a being that will only die if killed by an external force? A billion years might be an incredibly long time, but it one day will come to pass."

"Yeah..." Kana had more or less put that point out information of her mind, only to have it abruptly thrown in her face.

"Barring strange circumstances I'll still be kicking when not only Andromeda comes to say hello, but when every single star in this world burns out and all we've got left is a cold, lifeless reality with nothing left." Akagi's words echoed back to her United Nations speech, making Kana slightly uncomfortable. "Such is the nature of an ageless being, and no matter how long the time frame is for an event to come to pass, I'll eventually see it."

{Though in fairness, I can just leave this reality and go to a different one if it really comes down to it. Creation is effectively unending and leaving one to go to another means I can easily live in populated and active worlds for all time if I wanted.} (Akagi)

"That's..." Kana didn't really know how to react to her sister's statement.

{Sad...} (Kana)

"It's enough to drive one mad." Akagi laughed as she let out a puff of smoke. "Good thing I'm already fucking crazy!"

"Does... Does that mean you'll be alone?" Kana asked. "I... I don't think I'll be around... anymore..."

"Who knows, and that was what I was thinking about." Akagi shrugged. "Mika and Naomi have extended but relatively short lifespans on a cosmic scale, while Hishya will probably get to enjoy the eternal ride of fun with me if my predictions are correct."

{Yumi will be there too, but that's kind of a given at this point.} (Akagi)

"Hishya..." Kana's fist tightened as she imagined the Dragon girl being alone. "What about me? Or the clan?"

"I have no idea about you." Akagi answered flatly. "Most of the clan will have normal lifespans or ones extended by a bit, but you? I can't tell. You could live a longer yet still finite life or you could be like me and have no expiration date. That is simply not knowable to me at this moment."

{My best guess is a longer than normal life due to the bleeding of my power into her, but how long and how stable she will be is unknown.} (Akagi)

"I... I don't know if I'd want to live forever like that..." Kana's body ran cold as she imagined it. “That... It sounds...”

"It's still better than dying." Akagi commented. "I figure it's best to have one continuous consciousness than multiple instances that have no memory of the last."

"Maybe... But... I don't really think people are meant or that kind of thing, Onee-chan." Kana noted that it would probably make most people go insane if they had to live that long.

"Oh, they are 100% not made for that." Akagi agreed. "Even humans living longer than average lifespans into their 100s results in people developing mental issues. They have to watch their friends and family disappear while they stick around."Nôv(el)B\\jnn

{I've read many stories about such people wondering why they are still alive and begging for death.} (Akagi)

"The whole point of the reincarnation cycle is to cleanse the soul and prevent it from getting unstable, which is what happens to a person who lives too long and isn't mentally strong enough to handle it." Akagi noted that it was basically a safety measure.

“All this talk about reincarnation... It makes me feel a bit odd knowing that its real...” Kana said as she grabbed onto the hem of Akagi's kimono, slightly afraid and worried. “What if I was some kind of awful person in my past lives? And...”

{Is there any point to the person I am now?} (Kana)

“I can understand why the whole thing would be a bit disturbing for the average person.” Akagi said with a wry smile as she pat her on the head. “Learning your last life may have been some smelly old man can't be fun.”

“You're not making this any easier, Onee-Chan...” Kana sighed, though appreciated her sister's joke.

“I know, I know.” Akagi chuckled as she continued to pat Kana on the head. “However, I think you're actually viewing reincarnation incorrectly. Though that's an understandable misinterpretation, one partially caused by my phrasing of things, and especially since mortals shouldn't really be privy to this info.”

“How? Isn't it just someone forgetting everything and starting again?” Kana asked, figuring it worked like how Buddhists or fiction portrayed it.

“That's... That's frankly an over simplification and a reductive way of looking at it.” Akagi shook her head. “Think of it like this.” She said as she snapped her hands, creating a small translucent crystal ball in front of her with illusion magic. “Now, imagine that this container is your soul. This is the very core of your being, your foundation if you will. It never changes now matter how many times you reincarnate and no matter what you do it can't be changed, barring external fuckery that is both dangerous and unnatural.” Akagi noted that her changes to Amakusa and Black Company involved said fuckery.

“Okay.” Kana nodded. “I think I already understood that part at least.”

“Now, what makes each individual reincarnation unique and separate from the prior and future ones?” Akagi asked as she made some water appear within the crystal, filling it entirely. “That would be the consciousness or personality if you prefer that word. ” She continued. “Once a soul is sent into the cycle of reincarnation, that personality is removed from the soul.” Akagi said as she drew the water out of the crystal, emptying it. “And then a new one is added at birth.” She said as purple colored water filled the crystal. “This new personality is blank, only having the basic needed for survival in whatever form it has and it eventually changes as it matures and develops over its life, and then at the end it gets drained out and replaced. Rinse and repeat ad infinitum.”

“So basically... Each person vanishes from existence once they die?” Kana asked, visibly uncomfortable by that explanation. “They just... Stop?”

“Exactly.” Akagi nodded as she made the crystal vanish. “Upon death what makes you you gets cleansed out of the soul and something entirely different takes its place. Now, I understand that hearing that death is the end isn't really pleasant for a mortal, but I wanted to illustrate that this process means that you have no real connection to your past lives.” She continued. “All you and the last personalities shared was a vessel, IE the same soul. Its no different than having a pitcher full of soda that gets dumped out, cleaned and then replaced with juice. You wouldn't say that the soda and juice share anything in common right? Its not like they're connected just because they both inhabited the same jug at some point.”

“So any past lives I've had... They're basically just entirely different people then?” Kana asked, still not entirely comfortable with it.

“Exactly. They're as much a stranger to you as any random person you meet on the street.” Akagi nodded. “Just because some random person that was contained within the vessel in the past did something horrible doesn't impart anything on you. A new personality is a fresh existence, untainted by past personalities, and as far as I'm concerned you're better off not even thinking of a past life as such. Its simply just the life of someone who happened to be contained in the same soul.”

“I guess that's better...” Kana sighed. “It still makes me afraid knowing that I don't really have any greater meaning in it all...”

“We make our own meaning, Kana.” Akagi answered with a slightly curt voice. “Life as a whole has no real meaning, it merely exists. Your purpose, if you will, is whatever you make of it. I wouldn't dwell too much on the idea that reality is a giant cycle that perpetuates itself, it will do you no good to think about it.”

{And its why I said that death is pointless. You're better off sticking around permanently if possible since then you don't end up destroyed, hence why I've decreed that such knowledge is to be a tightly guarded secret since it would just cause mass hysteria if leaked.} (Akagi)

"Then... You... You didn't go through that cycle, did you?” Kana asked. “I recall you saying that Demon Lords are created to destroy a world, and that you were brought into being specifically for that role.”

“No.” Akagi answered flatly. “Demon Lords do not interact with the cycle of death and rebirth. Our souls are created ex nihilo, meaning that we're created from nothing and will return to nothing once destroyed. Though technically any being would vanish permanently if the soul is destroyed and since that's the only way to put a Demon Lord down for good...” She gave an overly dramatic shrug. “But that's besides the point.”

“You mentioned before that living too long has negative effects on a soul, does that include you?" Kana asked a question that had come to mind during the discussion. "You're a Demon Lord, but you were originally raised and believed yourself to be a Human. So won't that have the same kind of impact?"

"That... That is part what I've been researching." Akagi sighed. "I can't answer right now what will happen, but my best guess is that I'll slowly lean into my Demon Lord nature more and more over time. I've purged a good portion of it from my soul, but at the end of the day, it's still there. I sincerely doubt I'd start destroying the world like I was created to do, but my mental state would likely become more and more alien over time as I 'forget' how to be Human." She said pat Kana on the head and gave her a hug. "But by my calculations that's billions of years into the future, so you don't need to go worrying about that!" She laughed as she stood up and stretched. "But enough about all that depressing stuff. I've got a few other things to attend to and you need to get some sleep. So get some rest and I'll see you in the morning. And tell Mika to do her own god dammed homework!" She smiled before vanishing in to the shadows.

"But... Onee-chan..." Kana's voice trembled slightly as she spoke. "It's like you said... A billion years might be a long time... But that still means it will happen... One day..."